D for depression

D for depression

I have post partum depression. I am yet to consult a psychoanalyst given the NHS schedule in London for the same but it is more or less confirmed. I spoke to  psychiatrist friend of my fathers and he agrees, agrees enough to urge for me to get treated fast. The baggage of past which i believed had missed making me pay for it has cuaght up . The damage done his showing in everything most of all in my dream job.The job of a mommy.

My little man loves his breast milk and i worked my ass of to ensure he gets it. After moving here due to change if scenario we started getting up multiple time sin the night. Somenights we just wot go to sleep on time, some nights we wont go to sleep at all! It had begun taking its toll on me and hence we enlisted help of a sleep consultant who gave us a 10 day plan with assurance that in 10 days we will miraculously have a baby who will sleep through the night. We are on day 17th and even though night weaned my baby has been crying his guts out with any remote association of sleep.

Today while watching rhymes on computer he freaked out because there was a rhyme of teddies going to bed! Adding to it Man ritz has been travelling and he is out for 8 days. I am struggling, and babyritz is unwilling to give up. Sleep times are a battle he has cried anything between 20 mins to 2 hours and 20 minutes before going to sleep. In last 7 days i have increased the interval of assurances to 30 minutes at any given time and still we have no improvement. The night wakings are at its worst and his continuous cries mean well mommy cant settle in at all. I am tired, i am gloomy and i am angry and this tiny human for inheriting his mother’s perseverance and stubborness.

I have been having days where even taking a shower seem like a chore, taling to people as well. All i want to do is to just do nothing, else burst into tears and may be cry, i dont miss work but i desperately miss me 😦  The guilt is killing me, i never thought i will not be the enthu mom or the activity oriented mom or the kind of mom who wants to be with her kid every second of the day!

I am a mess and i have no way out

Attempting to get us back alive

Attempting to get us back alive

So yes i know most probably i have lost allmy regular followers… and this blog is not going in to any direction. Motherhood is hard and especially its been very life consuming for me, I guess there is a lot of difference between imagining parent hood and actually being caught in middle of one.  To add to the mix handling a super active toddler alone while shifting countries is well any one’s guess.

So as i try and get my blog to some life, I am going to take up something called as a blogger #AtoZchallange. What this challabge entails is that i regularly blog for 26 days together and each day write about some thing that each letter stands for in context of blog for eg. I for infertility or T for toddler tornado and stuff. I am very sure i cannot write every day for 26 days but here is to completing this challenge in 3 months which means i write once every 3 to 4 days. Doable? huh? Lets see .. atleast it will give me something to write about.

 

We are surviving!!!!

We are surviving!!!!

Its almost a year and yeah its been every bit as mad as they promise in all the blogs and adverts. Every passing month you think omg this month was hard how bad ass we are to cross that only to be faced by a new challenge in the next month. Parenting is difficult especially if you choose the earth mother route. The breast feeding, cloth diapering, baby wearing and above no sleep training kinds. Which means my days are as unstructured as they were ever since baby ritz started to no sleep .. Some days are good where we get 2 naps  and early bed time and some days we have no naps and no bed time.

But my baby has grown leaps and bounds in these months, from a mere 2.17 kgs (4.7lbs) we have almost qudrapled our birthweight and weigh about 8.6 kgs now almost 19lbs , we can crawl and pull ourself to stand now. We have also started walking sideways and started to point out things! Anyways more on that later gtg.

Just dropped in to say hi and that we are surving!

 

 

 

Solids sleep and sanity!

Solids sleep and sanity!

Baby Ritz started solids!!! So over the last few weeks we had a small ceremony at home where we dressed my baby like a groom and made him have his first bite of rice pudding called payesh in Bengali 🙂 and my baby loved it!!!!  Post that we have taken blw approach despite much opposition from parent unit. It’s been a week and half and honestly I am not sure if baby Ritz is eating anything. Till now we ordered him banana,mango, boiled potatoes, boiled carrot, some semolina pudding. He ate very little,i even put some in his mouth and Pat it came back.. we are still feeding on demand so I m not too worried. Anything to avoid the hassle of wondering what my baby shud eat so we will go the blw path for some time more. Shout out to drunkstorks.wordpress.com and awaitingautumn.wordpress.com for agreeing to help me.

The last few weeks in fact the last few months have been whirlwind. we had we had our first family illness and our first vacation. We went on a short trip to Kolkata and the difference in temp caused us to go bonkers. Man Ritz fell sick so sick that he was absolutely down and out for two days. He had a fever of about 104 degree! It’s a miracle that he didn’t fall down or pass out! Mommy Ritz was down with cold and was about to hit the sack with fever when baby Ritz developed some cold. We had to rush to ER twice and get nebulized with adrenaline. We were doing that at home as well. Thankfully before going on our first vacation to Goa bub recovered ! Only to be hit by a growth spurt! So the entire vacation I spent feeding bub .. round the clock every hour in day and every two hours in night!

Which brings us to the sleep bit of my post.. my bub just won’t sleep! V have hit another I dunno what he just won’t go down for more than 15-20 mins. Sometimes he just won’t go down! Whole day some one shud be around talking playing ofcourse we get very tired and the super cranky. But try as I may I can’t make him sleep for more than 45 mins at stretch and that too when I am with him all the time! How do i catch rest! I move in my sleep and slight movement bub is up! We went through a phase where BR just wanted to feed through out the night.. like every hour. Then he would wake up fully at 4:30 and want to play and scream.. well needless to say I m beginning to lose it.. my parents were in town for few days so atleast I could get the tiny things like getting the party and the ceremony organized but I am still running on tonnes of sleep deficit. Adding to this to save me from getting up we started co sleeping and now man Ritz just accidents wakes baby Ritz up my either putting his hans on his face or by sleeping on his hand. I am not sure which is more cumbersome getting out thrice plus time every night or feeding 5 plus times lying down? Aah I hate baby choices….

So yeah it’s been 7.5 months of baby Ritz and the point where life is suppose to return to new normal is just moving farther away.. amongst other things baby Ritz is pro at rolling now and diaper changes are night mare! We can half sit now.. like of I keep him on my lap with his head on the crook of my arm he wi sit up! We love colors and soft toys. we have a special favorite a rag doll! But we are as naughty as naughty gets!!! Screaming shouting giggling.. all good nice and cuddly But  I am going insane with lack of sleep

 

 

Six month old!

Six month old!

My munchkin turned 6 months based on his due date on 18th of June. I know its  tad bit late for blogging about it but hey its all about recording the milestones yeah?

V had a tiny little party at home with our neighbour cum friends. It was loads of fun, tho i had to work berry berry hard for it. My biggest grudge with man ritz is that its very difficult to make him get excited for anything, so after a point it becomes very difficult for me to keep up the enthusiasm!!! So for his 6th month celebration v started working 2 days before???? this added to on going regression which my boy is perennially having  meant really hasseled momma. Plus we were travelling to meet maternal grandparents the very next day so the packing was due!! But thankfully it came together all in the end. Man ritz was home that day and decided to help me out with decorating the house. Leaving you with some pics

The second one???

The second one???

Baby Ritz is 6 months! Thankfully his sleep has settled down a little and he has been sleeping In the night with two or less feed breaks.. though baby Ritz has cold and is being nebulized 4 times a day and v have been cosleeping so I really dunno if that has effected his sleep pattern. But I hope sincerely these two are not related and that v can continue to look at peaceful nights for sometime atleast!

So the other day v looked at the tiny human I made and suddenly realised i am not done I do want one more of this .. cute laughing Gigglybundle of energy!!!!.😈 So v always knew v want another one.. but with the mind numbing first few six months somewhere the idea got lost..

But having another one will mean again stepping into heart wrenching world of infertility and loss. The idea that I go thru another retrieval and might lose the baby in few weeks/months is just devastating.

Suddenly I came up with the idea of adoption. Y don’t v adopt the second one? V get a baby girl,no ugly pregnancy hormones if v get her soon enough I can feed her do tandem nursing.. sounds like a win ??? But she will not have my eyes or man Ritz’s quirks .. win win still.. what do u guys think?