#D for depression

I have postpartum depression. I am yet to consult a psychoanalyst given the NHS schedule in London for the same but it is more or less confirmed. I spoke to a psychiatrist friend of my fathers and he agrees, agrees enough to urge me to get treated fast. The baggage of the past which I believed had missed making me pay for it has caught up. The damage done is showing up in everything, but most of all in my dream job. The job of a mommy.

My little man loves his breast milk and I’ve worked my ass off to ensure he gets it. Day or night, rain or shine I have ensured that I’m accessible to him all the time and all the while. After moving here, probably due to change if scenario we’ve started getting up multiple times in the night. Some nights we just will not go to sleep on time, some nights we won’t go to sleep at all! It had begun taking its toll on me and hence we enlisted help of a sleep consultant who gave us a 10-day plan with assurance that in 10 days we will miraculously have a baby who will sleep through the night. We are on day 17th, and even though night weaned my baby has been crying his guts out with any remote association of sleep.

Today while watching rhymes on computer he freaked out because there was a rhyme of teddies going to bed! Adding to it Man Ritz has been travelling and he is out for 8 days. I am struggling, and Baby Ritz is unwilling to give up. Sleep times are a battle as he just won’t go down! The night wakings are at its worst and his continuous cries mean well mommy can’t settle in at all. I am tired, I am gloomy and I am angry at this tiny human for inheriting his mother’s perseverance and stubbornness.

I have been having days where even taking a shower seem like a chore, talking to people and answering their questions is exhausting. All I want to do is to just do nothing, else burst into tears and maybe cry. I don’t miss work but I desperately miss me 😦 The guilt is killing me, I never thought I will not be the enthu mom or the activity-oriented mom or the kind of mom who wants to be with her kid every second of the day!

I am a mess and I see no way out.

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