London, Mommyhood after infertility

D for depression

I have post partum depression. I am yet to consult a psychoanalyst given the NHS schedule in London for the same but it is more or less confirmed. I spoke to  psychiatrist friend of my fathers and he agrees, agrees enough to urge for me to get treated fast. The baggage of past which i believed had missed making me pay for it has cuaght up . The damage done his showing in everything most of all in my dream job.The job of a mommy.

My little man loves his breast milk and i worked my ass of to ensure he gets it. After moving here due to change if scenario we started getting up multiple time sin the night. Somenights we just wot go to sleep on time, some nights we wont go to sleep at all! It had begun taking its toll on me and hence we enlisted help of a sleep consultant who gave us a 10 day plan with assurance that in 10 days we will miraculously have a baby who will sleep through the night. We are on day 17th and even though night weaned my baby has been crying his guts out with any remote association of sleep.

Today while watching rhymes on computer he freaked out because there was a rhyme of teddies going to bed! Adding to it Man ritz has been travelling and he is out for 8 days. I am struggling, and babyritz is unwilling to give up. Sleep times are a battle he has cried anything between 20 mins to 2 hours and 20 minutes before going to sleep. In last 7 days i have increased the interval of assurances to 30 minutes at any given time and still we have no improvement. The night wakings are at its worst and his continuous cries mean well mommy cant settle in at all. I am tired, i am gloomy and i am angry and this tiny human for inheriting his mother’s perseverance and stubborness.

I have been having days where even taking a shower seem like a chore, taling to people as well. All i want to do is to just do nothing, else burst into tears and may be cry, i dont miss work but i desperately miss me 😦  The guilt is killing me, i never thought i will not be the enthu mom or the activity oriented mom or the kind of mom who wants to be with her kid every second of the day!

I am a mess and i have no way out


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