London, Musings

#B for BreakFree

hello all I know i have most probably left the blog to die and guess no one even bothers checking back any more.

I swear i didnt mean to, i never wanted to be the kind of women who found her happily ever after and ceased to be there any more for anything else. I only have one single explanation that Life threw me lemons by the dozens and i was busy making lemonade, lemon cheesecake, lemon curd and what not.

Moving to a different country is not easy, moving with a busybody toddler is even more difficult and doing it alone almost single parenting all the way is well impossible. But we did it and at the cost of blowing my trumpet i think we have adapted well. Going from having two household help plus my parents to managing babyritz, household and well holding our life here together is nothing short of being commendable.

I know it sounds like what an amazing feat lady but not it was not as easy as it sounds, i for sometime have been massively depressed and worse i didnt know it. For a while now i have been feeling low, unimportant and wasted. I have had diagnosed abandonment issues and residual attachment issues. I don’t form close friendships, i do have few people i love to death but they will tell you that they always get to know about me and my life as a courtesy note and never when it is actually happening. I guess the only person privy to my life is my husband and well I have no choice on that. I freak out with responsibilities, I have this constant pressure of be likable and cool else i am scared that people will up and leave so either i am being someone I am not or I am being bitchy because if they leave without me getting too attached then that will be a good save, sometimes with immediate family i push the boundaries almost as if forcing them to go away because what is really there to like? I know stupid eh well rational me knows and is trying to break free but the irrational me hmmm

So how did being a mother impact this ? it made me come out in seems, unglued unhinged.. a relationship which i can’t  escape out of, cant take a break from cant push away  because how do u push away  a baby? a baby who is dependent on you 24/7 . And how do u teach yourself to unlearn everything, to put away your fears?? This lack of a escape route, this small bundle tied to you needing you all the time put me in despair. I turned down, morose angry irritated and it made me more morose and angry because this crying, clingy bundle of joy is the result if my massive struggle with infertility, is what i asked god every waking moment for 4 years of my life and the cycle continued. There were few breaks in between few days where manritz stepped in, few days where i believed in rising above my battle but they were far and few.  What made the journey worst was i really had no reason to be depressed, I had everything going for me, I was a mom something which i never thought was possible 2.5 years ago, i was in London a city I dreamed to be me in ever since i read the first Enid blyton, I had means to enjoy life, I had found my niche still i couldnt shake it couldnt be free.

Finally after grappling with it for 6 months i decided to seek help, i joined a course which is called understanding of depression and dealing with it based on awareness and cognitive skills. Sounds a lot doesn’t it? actually it is not, what it teaches you is to look for patterns of depression and break them . The best part is if life dealt you coconut sized lemons in the past and buried you under them you dont need to stay buried, you can break out of it just break the habit, just take one step at a time, break the pattern look for alternatives, If going out seems too much call a friend to take you out, If getting up out of bed seems a task get your hubby to give u a steaming cuppa coffee.. If you are lonely and alone  get a pet! you dont have to be prefect, and most importantly look at no one for approval, if they dont like you with your imperfections well then good luck .. it will be good riddance to rubbish

You can break out of depression, you just need a mate in your corner! See someone behaving differently, withdrawn, refusing to enjoy things which they used to swear by?  Never say probably they need space to handle things trust me sometimes all they need is someone to wait it out with them

Be the mate in their corner! Help them to break free!

 

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London, Mommyhood after infertility

D for depression

I have post partum depression. I am yet to consult a psychoanalyst given the NHS schedule in London for the same but it is more or less confirmed. I spoke to  psychiatrist friend of my fathers and he agrees, agrees enough to urge for me to get treated fast. The baggage of past which i believed had missed making me pay for it has cuaght up . The damage done his showing in everything most of all in my dream job.The job of a mommy.

My little man loves his breast milk and i worked my ass of to ensure he gets it. After moving here due to change if scenario we started getting up multiple time sin the night. Somenights we just wot go to sleep on time, some nights we wont go to sleep at all! It had begun taking its toll on me and hence we enlisted help of a sleep consultant who gave us a 10 day plan with assurance that in 10 days we will miraculously have a baby who will sleep through the night. We are on day 17th and even though night weaned my baby has been crying his guts out with any remote association of sleep.

Today while watching rhymes on computer he freaked out because there was a rhyme of teddies going to bed! Adding to it Man ritz has been travelling and he is out for 8 days. I am struggling, and babyritz is unwilling to give up. Sleep times are a battle he has cried anything between 20 mins to 2 hours and 20 minutes before going to sleep. In last 7 days i have increased the interval of assurances to 30 minutes at any given time and still we have no improvement. The night wakings are at its worst and his continuous cries mean well mommy cant settle in at all. I am tired, i am gloomy and i am angry and this tiny human for inheriting his mother’s perseverance and stubborness.

I have been having days where even taking a shower seem like a chore, taling to people as well. All i want to do is to just do nothing, else burst into tears and may be cry, i dont miss work but i desperately miss me 😦  The guilt is killing me, i never thought i will not be the enthu mom or the activity oriented mom or the kind of mom who wants to be with her kid every second of the day!

I am a mess and i have no way out

blogging challange, Mommyhood after infertility, Musings

Attempting to get us back alive

So yes i know most probably i have lost allmy regular followers… and this blog is not going in to any direction. Motherhood is hard and especially its been very life consuming for me, I guess there is a lot of difference between imagining parent hood and actually being caught in middle of one.  To add to the mix handling a super active toddler alone while shifting countries is well any one’s guess.

So as i try and get my blog to some life, I am going to take up something called as a blogger #AtoZchallange. What this challabge entails is that i regularly blog for 26 days together and each day write about some thing that each letter stands for in context of blog for eg. I for infertility or T for toddler tornado and stuff. I am very sure i cannot write every day for 26 days but here is to completing this challenge in 3 months which means i write once every 3 to 4 days. Doable? huh? Lets see .. atleast it will give me something to write about.

 

JLT, Mommyhood after infertility, Uncategorized

We are surviving!!!!

Its almost a year and yeah its been every bit as mad as they promise in all the blogs and adverts. Every passing month you think omg this month was hard how bad ass we are to cross that only to be faced by a new challenge in the next month. Parenting is difficult especially if you choose the earth mother route. The breast feeding, cloth diapering, baby wearing and above no sleep training kinds. Which means my days are as unstructured as they were ever since baby ritz started to no sleep .. Some days are good where we get 2 naps  and early bed time and some days we have no naps and no bed time.

But my baby has grown leaps and bounds in these months, from a mere 2.17 kgs (4.7lbs) we have almost qudrapled our birthweight and weigh about 8.6 kgs now almost 19lbs , we can crawl and pull ourself to stand now. We have also started walking sideways and started to point out things! Anyways more on that later gtg.

Just dropped in to say hi and that we are surving!

 

 

 

baby Ritz, IVF #2, milestones, Mommyhood after infertility

Solids sleep and sanity!

Baby Ritz started solids!!! So over the last few weeks we had a small ceremony at home where we dressed my baby like a groom and made him have his first bite of rice pudding called payesh in Bengali 🙂 and my baby loved it!!!!  Post that we have taken blw approach despite much opposition from parent unit. It’s been a week and half and honestly I am not sure if baby Ritz is eating anything. Till now we ordered him banana,mango, boiled potatoes, boiled carrot, some semolina pudding. He ate very little,i even put some in his mouth and Pat it came back.. we are still feeding on demand so I m not too worried. Anything to avoid the hassle of wondering what my baby shud eat so we will go the blw path for some time more. Shout out to drunkstorks.wordpress.com and awaitingautumn.wordpress.com for agreeing to help me.

The last few weeks in fact the last few months have been whirlwind. we had we had our first family illness and our first vacation. We went on a short trip to Kolkata and the difference in temp caused us to go bonkers. Man Ritz fell sick so sick that he was absolutely down and out for two days. He had a fever of about 104 degree! It’s a miracle that he didn’t fall down or pass out! Mommy Ritz was down with cold and was about to hit the sack with fever when baby Ritz developed some cold. We had to rush to ER twice and get nebulized with adrenaline. We were doing that at home as well. Thankfully before going on our first vacation to Goa bub recovered ! Only to be hit by a growth spurt! So the entire vacation I spent feeding bub .. round the clock every hour in day and every two hours in night!

Which brings us to the sleep bit of my post.. my bub just won’t sleep! V have hit another I dunno what he just won’t go down for more than 15-20 mins. Sometimes he just won’t go down! Whole day some one shud be around talking playing ofcourse we get very tired and the super cranky. But try as I may I can’t make him sleep for more than 45 mins at stretch and that too when I am with him all the time! How do i catch rest! I move in my sleep and slight movement bub is up! We went through a phase where BR just wanted to feed through out the night.. like every hour. Then he would wake up fully at 4:30 and want to play and scream.. well needless to say I m beginning to lose it.. my parents were in town for few days so atleast I could get the tiny things like getting the party and the ceremony organized but I am still running on tonnes of sleep deficit. Adding to this to save me from getting up we started co sleeping and now man Ritz just accidents wakes baby Ritz up my either putting his hans on his face or by sleeping on his hand. I am not sure which is more cumbersome getting out thrice plus time every night or feeding 5 plus times lying down? Aah I hate baby choices….

So yeah it’s been 7.5 months of baby Ritz and the point where life is suppose to return to new normal is just moving farther away.. amongst other things baby Ritz is pro at rolling now and diaper changes are night mare! We can half sit now.. like of I keep him on my lap with his head on the crook of my arm he wi sit up! We love colors and soft toys. we have a special favorite a rag doll! But we are as naughty as naughty gets!!! Screaming shouting giggling.. all good nice and cuddly But  I am going insane with lack of sleep

 

 

baby Ritz, celebrations, milestones, Mommyhood after infertility

Six month old!

My munchkin turned 6 months based on his due date on 18th of June. I know its  tad bit late for blogging about it but hey its all about recording the milestones yeah?

V had a tiny little party at home with our neighbour cum friends. It was loads of fun, tho i had to work berry berry hard for it. My biggest grudge with man ritz is that its very difficult to make him get excited for anything, so after a point it becomes very difficult for me to keep up the enthusiasm!!! So for his 6th month celebration v started working 2 days before???? this added to on going regression which my boy is perennially having  meant really hasseled momma. Plus we were travelling to meet maternal grandparents the very next day so the packing was due!! But thankfully it came together all in the end. Man ritz was home that day and decided to help me out with decorating the house. Leaving you with some pics