The imposter in the room

I think i had thought about this a count less time.. Imagined the joy, the excitement and the elation as i type the words “i am expecting”. Countless times i had imagined myself to be pregnant.. Had all possible symptoms soreboobs, acidity and constipation..and i had thought yeah few more days before i type the words. I the strong believer of pregnant until proven feel like an imposter when i write “i am well pregnant”. I feel the words weigh on me.. feel being accused of felony and feel that any moment the lab will call and say dear ritz this has been nothing but a big mistake and there is no proof. You are free to go and get back to ur childless grey world of infertility. As i stand near the gate of pregnant club i feel people looking at me and  asking for proof that i indeed belong. I feel unsure vulnerable and raw. But here it is as of today as of now i am pregnant.. Not pregnant till proven otherwise but pregnant with rising betas.. Though since i took an hcg shot i am not sure if the numbers are accurate(more on that later).. But they are doubling thats what matters

Beta# 1 8dp3dt 53.4

Beta# 2 11dp3dt  240

Beta# 3 13dp3dt 524.86

As i said i am dazed.. But thanks for all ur love and support.. For giving me hope when all was lost .. For writing inspirational blogs full of positivity.. As of now as of today i am EXPECTING


My BFP story

Please note: I am writing this about 5 months after i got my bfp, the intention of this post is to document considering i have a bad case of pregnancy brains. After about couple of weeks i will move this post to its original timeline

The wait has been mad, almost of you already now know this involved a huge fight between MR and me. Also this time i really decided against bed rest, last time i was on bed rest and my mind went crazy so i have been walking on my regular schedule and have been fairly active in the kitchen. I am testing out the trigger this time because i just coudn’t sit around and wait for my due date. So i got man ritz to get a bunch of internet cheapies from his last travel to canada. And i have been testing out my trigger. My trigger went out on friday the 15th of may. Post that i had a bout of period like cramps over the weekend which was effectively  5dp3dt. On monday morning, as usual i get up and go to pee, and test like a routine .. imagine my surprise when i see 2 lines immediately in few seconds, thinking the test to be faulty i take another and the test comes back positive even faster than the earlier one! I look at the test disbelievingly and wonder what shud i do? Man ritz had taken pista for a walk. So i do the next best think i can think of which i always did in case of unpleasant situations i went back to sleep!!!

After few mins man rtz walk into room and i call out to him with 2 strips he sees it and says ” Hmmm, thats good, but lest take one day at a time”  i have no symptoms and surprisigly i have no anxiety either. We wait till the next morning and i get up at 4 to pee ( thats the first symptom i recognize) the lines are still there no color diff from day before, i take a regular test and it colors up too. I quitely keep all the tests next to man ritz night stand and sleep of. Tilll i get up with a scream “i cant see any line its negative! ” I get up anxiously and see obviously in a dimly lit room with almost no light we see nothing… so i take it out to the sunlight and there the lines are here to stay. I wait for one more day before giving blood for beta and beta comes back positive! a good number. So yes we are pregnant!!! and very very very cautiously expecting!

2ww, IVF #2, TTC


Spending 2ww while not working is just so difficult. And what is more difficult is doing that after infertility especially after 2 loses. No matter how many books you read and how many movies u watch and how many friends you meet… Its like a part of your brain is frozen.. Frozen in the time of your first pregnancy or the second one.. Frozen where you compare each moment by moment of what happened and how similar/different this time is from current one. Being an infertile is bane.. It is like not doing your core responsibilty.. But being an educated infertile is just worst.. Because u know.. U know almost every thing that can go wrong and its chilling! So each day morning u get up u spend the day in dread .. Dread that the beta will be non existant or it will be low or it will be high and we will not see any sacs.. Or bla bla bla…

Sometimes i wonder if my anxiety will actually cause some harm the whole thing of negative attracts negative vibe from universe (the secret)… But its very very hard to find the silver lining and be positive 🙂

2ww, IVF #2, Musings, TTC

Some hope and Some dread

So far i have had mixed 8 days post transfer, while the initial 3 days were filled with stress the later 5 days have been allright. We called people over this saturday and sunday and i spent the day cooking in kitchen, must say it is catharitic, caused me to forget for 2 days and continue with life as usual. Added to that MR and me spent the other part of weekend trying to sort things out. I get surprised sometimes as to why did we let it get so bad, but then there is no said answer. We both are equally at fault! i with my obsession of TTC might have neglected to keep the communication channel open and he just found company at work. What didnt help is we come from total different set of family back grounds. While i come from over emotional, egoistic family, he comes from the other extreme of a family which is indifferent and aloof. It will take some hardwork and lots of love to get there but I believe we have the right ingredients to be that couple who celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary in a cruise!

In other news i have sore boobs right from the time i am on progesterone as well as some form of constipation and acidity. I am puttig everything to progesterone as 7dp3dt is way too early for symptoms. I But what is freaking me most is the upcoming timeline of 10dp3dt which is where i started bleeding with junior the first time post which i was put hastily on PIO. While i know each cycle is different, i cannot help but feeling dreadfull that something will go wrong! i cannot take another loss. i think if i lose this baby i will just curl up and die 😦

after 5 years of infertility, gallons of hormones you would think pregnancy will be easy!

IVF #2, Musings

updates and turning off..

Hi all.. Sorry for being away and to keep you waiting so long. Post the update on Sunday 10th of may, we got to know that one more embi joined the race and was growing. I called the lab on morning and they informed dr ritz will be doing a 3 day transfer. She herself called and confirmed saying there is no point waiting as the embies are very few ideally for blastocyst they expect at least 6 embryos to fertilize and grow. But the good news was the embies were doing well and they divided to be more than 5 cell. On 12th the day of transfer one of my embies arrested and we decided to put back remaining three. The embies were doing awesome one was more than 12 cell, one was 10, last one was 8 cell. Which even though at grade b were significantly better grade than last time. So we get baby ritzes back at home after feeding them McDonalds fillet o fish and fries 🙂 and geared up to wait for our happy ending without any arguments this time

Allas this was not to be.. On 13th night me and MR got into a huge fight, he has been very busy and have not been spending much tine with me.. Ever since the start of cycle i have had to make decisions and consult RE on my own, while i was and am ok with being responsible one .. I am not ok with taking for granted .. May be i will write more on that in another post. Before we know it one thing led to another and i packed and left the house, i took a 30 km bumpy ride to my bestie’s house in pool of tears because man ritz was being a jerk and i was too hormonal to logically think. Cutting a long story short we have had abunch of differences since beginning of our relationship which pans to 12 years of knowing each other, 9 years of being together and close to 7 being married. Infertility has put a lot of strain on us and i guess finally the dam broke  on 13th.  After much tears and arguements we finally are back together as i write this post. But needless to say both of us are worried the impact this has had on baby ritzes. I just pray and hope they stick and grow.. But i feel defeated…

There have been a bunch of my ttc friends who have been pinging about updates and stuff… I am unable to deal with that. I am freaking out by questions and feel raw and exposed. I am nit sure how i come out in my blog but i am a private person and making a trueman show out of my cycle is not my intention. I hope most if you will understand. I will get back with updates when i am comfortable sharing them as of now both me and man ritz have decided that we need to give some time to ourselves. Hence i am signing out of all the forums as well as Whats app .. I will continue to post here but sporadically… I will ofcourse read all ur blogs and posts .. I pray to god that he gives me enougj strength to survive this..

IVF #2


So far this cycle is playing out exactly like the last ivf cycle. Yesterday we retrived 8 oocytes, the procedure overall went ok i was expecting around the same number so we were prepared for it. The recovery was hilarious i was acting complete doped out and started sprouting numbers at MR about total number of follicles and stats!

Anyways post the process we chilled out where icsi was performed on my eggs and they were left alone to mate and divide.

Today morning the lab called with numbers and guess what 8 retrieved, 6 were mature and 3 fertlized!!!! Whats with 50%  fertilization rate? I am beginning to think my eggs and mr’s sperms are not on 2 friendly terms.. I had high hopes for more fertilization this cycle. So yes i am bummed just hoping years of medication plays some role and we get few more fertilized. If not i am planning to tell dr Ritz to transfer all of them .. I wanted  blastocyst this cycle looks like we will be disappointed once more.  Grow babies on mother’s day i am asking you grow and divide. Get to the blastcyst stage and keep fragmentation at bay!

IVF #2

And the madness continues..

This cycle has given me more white hairs than the previous 2 cycles put together. Everything that can go wrong this cycle has gone wrong and its a wonder that we have a retrival date. Yes few of my follicles have grown and reached potential average of 1.7 another few were borderline in scan yesterday and shud have reached ideal stage after the last humog injection yest. Overll all i stimmed for 13 days this cycle 14 days if u include antagonist and trigger today. The retrival is scheduled on Saturday 09/05. But we are not out of woods as far as transfer goes. Because i have been stimming for 14 days (ideal stimming for an ivf cycle is between 8-12 days) my p4 value has come high. It is currently at 1.4 compared to ideal value of 1.2. Today after the trigger shot i messaged dr ritz to which she responded please call me tomorrow to discuss prog values. Now i am thinking something is off other wise she would have just messsaged “thats all right” in her typical standoffish fashion.

Anyways today was a horrid day.. And this cycle has been like a seasaw. Up and down .. Today i poked myself in the hand trying to make injection, post which man ritz stabbed me with needle while trying to give it, both bruises bled for a while. Post that went to Columbia asia for blood test of progesterone and e2 surprise they outsource such tests… So results will come a day later.. No one told this to me when i paid!  Typical money making ass****s.As a result i had to hop on a cab and run to c9 OAR and give more blood. After loosing a pint of blood fortunately the values are in so we are prepared now. Lets hope i can get a transfer even if embi is 2 day old and 4 cell we will take it ! But i shud not get ahead of myself .. First step get good eggs. Atleast 10. Second step atleast 80% shud fertlize.. Then we will see!