London, Musings

#B for BreakFree

hello all I know i have most probably left the blog to die and guess no one even bothers checking back any more.

I swear i didnt mean to, i never wanted to be the kind of women who found her happily ever after and ceased to be there any more for anything else. I only have one single explanation that Life threw me lemons by the dozens and i was busy making lemonade, lemon cheesecake, lemon curd and what not.

Moving to a different country is not easy, moving with a busybody toddler is even more difficult and doing it alone almost single parenting all the way is well impossible. But we did it and at the cost of blowing my trumpet i think we have adapted well. Going from having two household help plus my parents to managing babyritz, household and well holding our life here together is nothing short of being commendable.

I know it sounds like what an amazing feat lady but not it was not as easy as it sounds, i for sometime have been massively depressed and worse i didnt know it. For a while now i have been feeling low, unimportant and wasted. I have had diagnosed abandonment issues and residual attachment issues. I don’t form close friendships, i do have few people i love to death but they will tell you that they always get to know about me and my life as a courtesy note and never when it is actually happening. I guess the only person privy to my life is my husband and well I have no choice on that. I freak out with responsibilities, I have this constant pressure of be likable and cool else i am scared that people will up and leave so either i am being someone I am not or I am being bitchy because if they leave without me getting too attached then that will be a good save, sometimes with immediate family i push the boundaries almost as if forcing them to go away because what is really there to like? I know stupid eh well rational me knows and is trying to break free but the irrational me hmmm

So how did being a mother impact this ? it made me come out in seems, unglued unhinged.. a relationship which i can’t  escape out of, cant take a break from cant push away  because how do u push away  a baby? a baby who is dependent on you 24/7 . And how do u teach yourself to unlearn everything, to put away your fears?? This lack of a escape route, this small bundle tied to you needing you all the time put me in despair. I turned down, morose angry irritated and it made me more morose and angry because this crying, clingy bundle of joy is the result if my massive struggle with infertility, is what i asked god every waking moment for 4 years of my life and the cycle continued. There were few breaks in between few days where manritz stepped in, few days where i believed in rising above my battle but they were far and few.  What made the journey worst was i really had no reason to be depressed, I had everything going for me, I was a mom something which i never thought was possible 2.5 years ago, i was in London a city I dreamed to be me in ever since i read the first Enid blyton, I had means to enjoy life, I had found my niche still i couldnt shake it couldnt be free.

Finally after grappling with it for 6 months i decided to seek help, i joined a course which is called understanding of depression and dealing with it based on awareness and cognitive skills. Sounds a lot doesn’t it? actually it is not, what it teaches you is to look for patterns of depression and break them . The best part is if life dealt you coconut sized lemons in the past and buried you under them you dont need to stay buried, you can break out of it just break the habit, just take one step at a time, break the pattern look for alternatives, If going out seems too much call a friend to take you out, If getting up out of bed seems a task get your hubby to give u a steaming cuppa coffee.. If you are lonely and alone  get a pet! you dont have to be prefect, and most importantly look at no one for approval, if they dont like you with your imperfections well then good luck .. it will be good riddance to rubbish

You can break out of depression, you just need a mate in your corner! See someone behaving differently, withdrawn, refusing to enjoy things which they used to swear by?  Never say probably they need space to handle things trust me sometimes all they need is someone to wait it out with them

Be the mate in their corner! Help them to break free!

 

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London, Mommyhood after infertility

D for depression

I have post partum depression. I am yet to consult a psychoanalyst given the NHS schedule in London for the same but it is more or less confirmed. I spoke to  psychiatrist friend of my fathers and he agrees, agrees enough to urge for me to get treated fast. The baggage of past which i believed had missed making me pay for it has cuaght up . The damage done his showing in everything most of all in my dream job.The job of a mommy.

My little man loves his breast milk and i worked my ass of to ensure he gets it. After moving here due to change if scenario we started getting up multiple time sin the night. Somenights we just wot go to sleep on time, some nights we wont go to sleep at all! It had begun taking its toll on me and hence we enlisted help of a sleep consultant who gave us a 10 day plan with assurance that in 10 days we will miraculously have a baby who will sleep through the night. We are on day 17th and even though night weaned my baby has been crying his guts out with any remote association of sleep.

Today while watching rhymes on computer he freaked out because there was a rhyme of teddies going to bed! Adding to it Man ritz has been travelling and he is out for 8 days. I am struggling, and babyritz is unwilling to give up. Sleep times are a battle he has cried anything between 20 mins to 2 hours and 20 minutes before going to sleep. In last 7 days i have increased the interval of assurances to 30 minutes at any given time and still we have no improvement. The night wakings are at its worst and his continuous cries mean well mommy cant settle in at all. I am tired, i am gloomy and i am angry and this tiny human for inheriting his mother’s perseverance and stubborness.

I have been having days where even taking a shower seem like a chore, taling to people as well. All i want to do is to just do nothing, else burst into tears and may be cry, i dont miss work but i desperately miss me 😦  The guilt is killing me, i never thought i will not be the enthu mom or the activity oriented mom or the kind of mom who wants to be with her kid every second of the day!

I am a mess and i have no way out