blogging challange, Mommyhood after infertility, Musings

Attempting to get us back alive

So yes i know most probably i have lost allmy regular followers… and this blog is not going in to any direction. Motherhood is hard and especially its been very life consuming for me, I guess there is a lot of difference between imagining parent hood and actually being caught in middle of one.  To add to the mix handling a super active toddler alone while shifting countries is well any one’s guess.

So as i try and get my blog to some life, I am going to take up something called as a blogger #AtoZchallange. What this challabge entails is that i regularly blog for 26 days together and each day write about some thing that each letter stands for in context of blog for eg. I for infertility or T for toddler tornado and stuff. I am very sure i cannot write every day for 26 days but here is to completing this challenge in 3 months which means i write once every 3 to 4 days. Doable? huh? Lets see .. atleast it will give me something to write about.

 

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Mommyhood after infertility, Musings

The second one???

Baby Ritz is 6 months! Thankfully his sleep has settled down a little and he has been sleeping In the night with two or less feed breaks.. though baby Ritz has cold and is being nebulized 4 times a day and v have been cosleeping so I really dunno if that has effected his sleep pattern. But I hope sincerely these two are not related and that v can continue to look at peaceful nights for sometime atleast!

So the other day v looked at the tiny human I made and suddenly realised i am not done I do want one more of this .. cute laughing Gigglybundle of energy!!!!.😈 So v always knew v want another one.. but with the mind numbing first few six months somewhere the idea got lost..

But having another one will mean again stepping into heart wrenching world of infertility and loss. The idea that I go thru another retrieval and might lose the baby in few weeks/months is just devastating.

Suddenly I came up with the idea of adoption. Y don’t v adopt the second one? V get a baby girl,no ugly pregnancy hormones if v get her soon enough I can feed her do tandem nursing.. sounds like a win ??? But she will not have my eyes or man Ritz’s quirks .. win win still.. what do u guys think?

 

Cat crazies, Musings

My elder is sick :(

Pista has a fever :((. Yesterday after his morning walk he was looking a little tired, he didnt even eat the semi solids man ritz kept for him. I thought may be its the heat, yesterday was a tough day with baby ritz refusing to nap at all so i was just consumed in that the whole day. I am a tad guilty of ignoring pista, i honestly thought he is in one of those contemplating moods that he sometimes gets into. In evening when man ritz came he didnt even budge and come out of his room. I was having a tough day and in tears because i was tired and baby ritz was very very cranky so MR took baby ritz away to gimme a break.usually this is cue for Pista to meow the house down because he thinks that when MR is free pista has sole propriety on him, but i couldnt hear a sound!!!

When i went to check whats the matter i realized he felt warm, i hugged him cuddled him and got him tothe living rooom, still No reaction 😦 Then i opened a new cardboard box of amazon which is guaranteed to get his ATTENTION but guess what my baby ignored it!!!

Today morning MR dragged him to the vet and my poor baby has fever 104.5 :(. Doc is suspecting infection, yesterday one of the strays while playing with him kinda bit him, so he has been given an injection, hope he recovers quickly. I am feeling so guilty, new found human motherhood has been so exhausting that i almost dont give any TLC to my elsder one. I hope he feels well and i swear from now on mommy will find some exclusive pista time.

baby Ritz, Mommyhood after infertility, Musings, Uncategorized

The darkside of motherhood

So yes.. this is one of those posts which can make u possibly hate me. I have been debating about writing this post for a long time but since this is the only place where i can write any truth well so be it. I would totally understand if u unfollow me after this or I get trolled but here it goes

Sometimes i hate my baby, sometimes i detest his very presence in mylife. I detest that motherhood has no holidays, no sick leaves, no time outs. No day where u get up in morning peacefully and just go back to bed curling up with a book.. And i hate that. I have run into difficult times with baby ritz, i think we hit sleep regression or its just growing up phase. My baby wont go down for naps/sleep. I feed him, change his diaper and feed him some more ideally he would doze of after this but off late he doesnt. Somedays he runs on god knows what energy but some days the lack of naps make him super cranky and he fusses the whole day.  Yesterday and today were his fussy days where he constantly whines into my ears and essentialy head bangs or hits me with his tiny fists to show his frustrations. There have been times when all i could hear thru the day were wails in my ears much after it has stopped. I cant deal with loud noises, i cant take people screaming the TV runs at a super low volume in my house. The constant wailing is taking its toll,the other day this constant rigamorale of pat – sleep- put in crib- awake- wailing back to feed- calm down- pat – sleep the cycle all over again took 3 hours before baby ritz was out and sleeping. Some days i spent the whole day trying to repeat this because baby ritz keeps getting up after 20 mins – 30 mins of nap. I am unable to carry on, despite having help t home to do the household cleaning and cooking. I spent 4.5 years trying to get here,  countless cycles, countless medications to get here and all i can wonder is did i make the lright choice? am i really cut out to be the nurturing mom i thought i was? The other day when screaming got too much i shouted at baby ritz, some days i patted him little hard.. my 3.5 months old baby? smiley happy baby on rare occasions? I have bot colorful toys playgym to play and have fun but all i get is a cry baby who cries pretty much all the time and fusses the other times… be it colic. purple patch, UTI and now sleep regression.. each month i console myself that i will eventually get the giggles and cuddles on regular basis but..And it kills me as a parent, makes me feel so so inadequate, makes me hate myself and hate the world around me.. Its like i am stuck in a rut and there is no way to get out of it. I am a horrid parent and my biggest fear is my kid will grow up with smae insecurities like i did, will grow up hating his own mom like i did.. i am super lost and super guilty to be feeling this way.. Did i force god’s hand? May be god knew that i will be unable to handle a child and therefore the infertility?

baby Ritz, Mommyhood after infertility, Musings, Uncategorized

Day 54 of Life ..

Today babyritz is celebrating day 54 of his life, that is how the docs in NICU measure my little bean once he was out in terms of days. All his report read day 7 of life these tests were done, he weighed so and so at day 10 of life. Initially when we got baby home we were shit scared and continued to measure him thru days like we crossed day 11 of his life and baby is alive 🙂

Soon as other milestones started the concept of days diminished and now we are measuring baby in weeks and in months but the days measure is still etched in my mind. Almost as a proof of all that we went through on the journey of parent hood. I know with this statement most of the people will laugh and let me know that its not even the beginning of beginning. But these few weeks have been hard and reveling on how deep motherhood goes. And i almost am on the verge if taking back all the harsh words i ever called other mom’s whose children throw a tantrum in super market or have caused me inconvenience in the flights i took.

When ever i met a new mom i always wondered on how happy they looked, how content and how perfect but offlate i have started to wonder was it my infertility blinkers that made me look at a picture perfect ‘grass being greener on other side’. There have been major meltdowns in these weeks, where in nights my baby has cried and i have cried with him because i am unable to comfort him, or understand him. I wonder all the time is motherhood so hard or the fact that i had him after so much of struggle i am over critical on myself. In middle of all this there is literature thrown at ur face saying sleep train ur baby, now a new one pee train ur baby.. and u wonder where is the time? To even think? let alone a routine.. then u wonder what if its too late to set up a routine? what if ur kid actually is that bawling kid in supermarket?

We are on day 54 of life and we are still taking one day at a time, there are things still being pushed saying may be next day, next time.. but i am happy to say that we are slowly getting into a bath and after bath nap routine. Yest was the first night where baby slept peacefully thru getting up only twice for feeds, that too sleeping right off after drinking. Lets hope this continues and is beginning of less sleep nights instead of sleepless nights

baby Ritz, Musings

Its December!!!

Yup its December and in another month and half my life will change forever. Its funny how  every december for last 4 years i have been wondering and dreading spending another christmas child less and depressed

https://randomeraccessmemory.wordpress.com/2014/12/22/auld-lang-syne/

https://randomeraccessmemory.wordpress.com/2013/12/25/another-year-another-christmas/

and finally there comes a december where I am pregnant!!! and i will have a beautiful baby in next 7 weeks! it seems unbelievable!and as is norm with me I am freaking out!!! the 4 years that i waited to have a child have given me a lot of time to dwell on infertility and ‘PLAN’ how i want my child to grow up! But now i am not too sure .. i feel i was so focused on getting the child here that i am absolute zero on how he/she shud be bought up! or what am i going to do when i will actually get the baby home!

There are so many questions in my mind and ofcourse as is my nature i want everything to be perfect for me and the baby. But i guess slowly i am realizing that whatever happens i cant plan my life – Or that i have to let go of notions. Though honestly i am surprised at myself i though the infertility and the pregnancy would have helped me get rid of the picture perfect planogram that i call my life. But there i am back guess old habits die hard!

So as this year draws close, instead of wallowing in how unfair my life is or freaking out about how underprepared i am .. This christmas I will pray for  strength to Let it go, strength to deal with life as it comes and strength to bring up a child who can give back to this world!

 

 

 

#IVF 2, baby Ritz, BFP, Musings

Just about there ..

hello all, i know i have been away but last few days have been busy, it always s when parents are in town.My mum are a family of seven siblings and my dad a family of 4. So i have close to 50 people who form immediate family and something or the other keeps happening to one of them. So the days i was missing in action a cousion’s wedding got fixed on 6th Feb (which is right around baby ritz’s arrival). A cousion of mine got divorced ( good riddance to rubbish) and an aunt of mine passed away ( heaven mustave been short on angels). And through all of this I continue to be pregnant :).

We finished our NT (Nuchal transluency Scan) on tuesday and  we were relieved to see baby ritz growing. All the risk factors came out low and we could see baby moving and hiccuping. Well those who know me know that the week leading to scan was the most torturous week for me. Firstly this was the maximum i had gone w/o seeing my little bean ( 20 days, earlier it was 10 days) second well i was still recovering from the dread of loosing mahi, third i had  brown tinged mucus discharge (very small quantity) ( sorry TMI) so that freaked me out. So all in all during the scan day i was bundle of nerves and my pressure shot up!. We went in to scan room and baby ritz was sleeping.. she didnt like being woken up and was refusing to let radiologist take her measures. After pressing my tummy real hard she gave up and said we have to rescan .. and my heart sank!! thankfully after a sweet drink and lots of greasy eating baby ritz started moving and we could get all her measures. The second sac is now empty and they could see no fetal pole or yolk sac in that, also we coud not see any more traces of sch which is super good news!!.  The doc said nothing to worry though she asked me to continue to take it easy and be on pelvic rest as much as i can. She also asked me to do double marker test so i am hoping that it will come through well.

Another 1 wk and i will be entering the second trimester. I just hope and pray it will get easier from here on, though i am freaked out and keep wondering if all is ok in there. The bouts of cramping and back ache dont help, neither the vanishing symptoms ease my worry in any way.  I think soon we will invest in a purchase of a doppler because  once the parent unit leave i will be home alone with free invitation to anxieties..

Thats about all for now.. hoping to be a lot more regular now that parent unit are gooing away next week. I also need ideas on how to make being at home more bearable, i need ideas for project which can be done while on pelvic rest. Thanks in advance for suggestions!!!! signing out now!