London, Musings

#B for BreakFree

hello all I know i have most probably left the blog to die and guess no one even bothers checking back any more.

I swear i didnt mean to, i never wanted to be the kind of women who found her happily ever after and ceased to be there any more for anything else. I only have one single explanation that Life threw me lemons by the dozens and i was busy making lemonade, lemon cheesecake, lemon curd and what not.

Moving to a different country is not easy, moving with a busybody toddler is even more difficult and doing it alone almost single parenting all the way is well impossible. But we did it and at the cost of blowing my trumpet i think we have adapted well. Going from having two household help plus my parents to managing babyritz, household and well holding our life here together is nothing short of being commendable.

I know it sounds like what an amazing feat lady but not it was not as easy as it sounds, i for sometime have been massively depressed and worse i didnt know it. For a while now i have been feeling low, unimportant and wasted. I have had diagnosed abandonment issues and residual attachment issues. I don’t form close friendships, i do have few people i love to death but they will tell you that they always get to know about me and my life as a courtesy note and never when it is actually happening. I guess the only person privy to my life is my husband and well I have no choice on that. I freak out with responsibilities, I have this constant pressure of be likable and cool else i am scared that people will up and leave so either i am being someone I am not or I am being bitchy because if they leave without me getting too attached then that will be a good save, sometimes with immediate family i push the boundaries almost as if forcing them to go away because what is really there to like? I know stupid eh well rational me knows and is trying to break free but the irrational me hmmm

So how did being a mother impact this ? it made me come out in seems, unglued unhinged.. a relationship which i can’t  escape out of, cant take a break from cant push away  because how do u push away  a baby? a baby who is dependent on you 24/7 . And how do u teach yourself to unlearn everything, to put away your fears?? This lack of a escape route, this small bundle tied to you needing you all the time put me in despair. I turned down, morose angry irritated and it made me more morose and angry because this crying, clingy bundle of joy is the result if my massive struggle with infertility, is what i asked god every waking moment for 4 years of my life and the cycle continued. There were few breaks in between few days where manritz stepped in, few days where i believed in rising above my battle but they were far and few.  What made the journey worst was i really had no reason to be depressed, I had everything going for me, I was a mom something which i never thought was possible 2.5 years ago, i was in London a city I dreamed to be me in ever since i read the first Enid blyton, I had means to enjoy life, I had found my niche still i couldnt shake it couldnt be free.

Finally after grappling with it for 6 months i decided to seek help, i joined a course which is called understanding of depression and dealing with it based on awareness and cognitive skills. Sounds a lot doesn’t it? actually it is not, what it teaches you is to look for patterns of depression and break them . The best part is if life dealt you coconut sized lemons in the past and buried you under them you dont need to stay buried, you can break out of it just break the habit, just take one step at a time, break the pattern look for alternatives, If going out seems too much call a friend to take you out, If getting up out of bed seems a task get your hubby to give u a steaming cuppa coffee.. If you are lonely and alone  get a pet! you dont have to be prefect, and most importantly look at no one for approval, if they dont like you with your imperfections well then good luck .. it will be good riddance to rubbish

You can break out of depression, you just need a mate in your corner! See someone behaving differently, withdrawn, refusing to enjoy things which they used to swear by?  Never say probably they need space to handle things trust me sometimes all they need is someone to wait it out with them

Be the mate in their corner! Help them to break free!

 

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blogging challange, Mommyhood after infertility, Musings

Attempting to get us back alive

So yes i know most probably i have lost allmy regular followers… and this blog is not going in to any direction. Motherhood is hard and especially its been very life consuming for me, I guess there is a lot of difference between imagining parent hood and actually being caught in middle of one.  To add to the mix handling a super active toddler alone while shifting countries is well any one’s guess.

So as i try and get my blog to some life, I am going to take up something called as a blogger #AtoZchallange. What this challabge entails is that i regularly blog for 26 days together and each day write about some thing that each letter stands for in context of blog for eg. I for infertility or T for toddler tornado and stuff. I am very sure i cannot write every day for 26 days but here is to completing this challenge in 3 months which means i write once every 3 to 4 days. Doable? huh? Lets see .. atleast it will give me something to write about.

 

Mommyhood after infertility, Musings

The second one???

Baby Ritz is 6 months! Thankfully his sleep has settled down a little and he has been sleeping In the night with two or less feed breaks.. though baby Ritz has cold and is being nebulized 4 times a day and v have been cosleeping so I really dunno if that has effected his sleep pattern. But I hope sincerely these two are not related and that v can continue to look at peaceful nights for sometime atleast!

So the other day v looked at the tiny human I made and suddenly realised i am not done I do want one more of this .. cute laughing Gigglybundle of energy!!!!.😈 So v always knew v want another one.. but with the mind numbing first few six months somewhere the idea got lost..

But having another one will mean again stepping into heart wrenching world of infertility and loss. The idea that I go thru another retrieval and might lose the baby in few weeks/months is just devastating.

Suddenly I came up with the idea of adoption. Y don’t v adopt the second one? V get a baby girl,no ugly pregnancy hormones if v get her soon enough I can feed her do tandem nursing.. sounds like a win ??? But she will not have my eyes or man Ritz’s quirks .. win win still.. what do u guys think?

 

Cat crazies, Musings

My elder is sick :(

Pista has a fever :((. Yesterday after his morning walk he was looking a little tired, he didnt even eat the semi solids man ritz kept for him. I thought may be its the heat, yesterday was a tough day with baby ritz refusing to nap at all so i was just consumed in that the whole day. I am a tad guilty of ignoring pista, i honestly thought he is in one of those contemplating moods that he sometimes gets into. In evening when man ritz came he didnt even budge and come out of his room. I was having a tough day and in tears because i was tired and baby ritz was very very cranky so MR took baby ritz away to gimme a break.usually this is cue for Pista to meow the house down because he thinks that when MR is free pista has sole propriety on him, but i couldnt hear a sound!!!

When i went to check whats the matter i realized he felt warm, i hugged him cuddled him and got him tothe living rooom, still No reaction 😦 Then i opened a new cardboard box of amazon which is guaranteed to get his ATTENTION but guess what my baby ignored it!!!

Today morning MR dragged him to the vet and my poor baby has fever 104.5 :(. Doc is suspecting infection, yesterday one of the strays while playing with him kinda bit him, so he has been given an injection, hope he recovers quickly. I am feeling so guilty, new found human motherhood has been so exhausting that i almost dont give any TLC to my elsder one. I hope he feels well and i swear from now on mommy will find some exclusive pista time.

baby Ritz, Mommyhood after infertility, Musings, Uncategorized

The darkside of motherhood

So yes.. this is one of those posts which can make u possibly hate me. I have been debating about writing this post for a long time but since this is the only place where i can write any truth well so be it. I would totally understand if u unfollow me after this or I get trolled but here it goes

Sometimes i hate my baby, sometimes i detest his very presence in mylife. I detest that motherhood has no holidays, no sick leaves, no time outs. No day where u get up in morning peacefully and just go back to bed curling up with a book.. And i hate that. I have run into difficult times with baby ritz, i think we hit sleep regression or its just growing up phase. My baby wont go down for naps/sleep. I feed him, change his diaper and feed him some more ideally he would doze of after this but off late he doesnt. Somedays he runs on god knows what energy but some days the lack of naps make him super cranky and he fusses the whole day.  Yesterday and today were his fussy days where he constantly whines into my ears and essentialy head bangs or hits me with his tiny fists to show his frustrations. There have been times when all i could hear thru the day were wails in my ears much after it has stopped. I cant deal with loud noises, i cant take people screaming the TV runs at a super low volume in my house. The constant wailing is taking its toll,the other day this constant rigamorale of pat – sleep- put in crib- awake- wailing back to feed- calm down- pat – sleep the cycle all over again took 3 hours before baby ritz was out and sleeping. Some days i spent the whole day trying to repeat this because baby ritz keeps getting up after 20 mins – 30 mins of nap. I am unable to carry on, despite having help t home to do the household cleaning and cooking. I spent 4.5 years trying to get here,  countless cycles, countless medications to get here and all i can wonder is did i make the lright choice? am i really cut out to be the nurturing mom i thought i was? The other day when screaming got too much i shouted at baby ritz, some days i patted him little hard.. my 3.5 months old baby? smiley happy baby on rare occasions? I have bot colorful toys playgym to play and have fun but all i get is a cry baby who cries pretty much all the time and fusses the other times… be it colic. purple patch, UTI and now sleep regression.. each month i console myself that i will eventually get the giggles and cuddles on regular basis but..And it kills me as a parent, makes me feel so so inadequate, makes me hate myself and hate the world around me.. Its like i am stuck in a rut and there is no way to get out of it. I am a horrid parent and my biggest fear is my kid will grow up with smae insecurities like i did, will grow up hating his own mom like i did.. i am super lost and super guilty to be feeling this way.. Did i force god’s hand? May be god knew that i will be unable to handle a child and therefore the infertility?

baby Ritz, Mommyhood after infertility, Musings, Uncategorized

Day 54 of Life ..

Today babyritz is celebrating day 54 of his life, that is how the docs in NICU measure my little bean once he was out in terms of days. All his report read day 7 of life these tests were done, he weighed so and so at day 10 of life. Initially when we got baby home we were shit scared and continued to measure him thru days like we crossed day 11 of his life and baby is alive 🙂

Soon as other milestones started the concept of days diminished and now we are measuring baby in weeks and in months but the days measure is still etched in my mind. Almost as a proof of all that we went through on the journey of parent hood. I know with this statement most of the people will laugh and let me know that its not even the beginning of beginning. But these few weeks have been hard and reveling on how deep motherhood goes. And i almost am on the verge if taking back all the harsh words i ever called other mom’s whose children throw a tantrum in super market or have caused me inconvenience in the flights i took.

When ever i met a new mom i always wondered on how happy they looked, how content and how perfect but offlate i have started to wonder was it my infertility blinkers that made me look at a picture perfect ‘grass being greener on other side’. There have been major meltdowns in these weeks, where in nights my baby has cried and i have cried with him because i am unable to comfort him, or understand him. I wonder all the time is motherhood so hard or the fact that i had him after so much of struggle i am over critical on myself. In middle of all this there is literature thrown at ur face saying sleep train ur baby, now a new one pee train ur baby.. and u wonder where is the time? To even think? let alone a routine.. then u wonder what if its too late to set up a routine? what if ur kid actually is that bawling kid in supermarket?

We are on day 54 of life and we are still taking one day at a time, there are things still being pushed saying may be next day, next time.. but i am happy to say that we are slowly getting into a bath and after bath nap routine. Yest was the first night where baby slept peacefully thru getting up only twice for feeds, that too sleeping right off after drinking. Lets hope this continues and is beginning of less sleep nights instead of sleepless nights

baby Ritz, Musings

Its December!!!

Yup its December and in another month and half my life will change forever. Its funny how  every december for last 4 years i have been wondering and dreading spending another christmas child less and depressed

https://randomeraccessmemory.wordpress.com/2014/12/22/auld-lang-syne/

https://randomeraccessmemory.wordpress.com/2013/12/25/another-year-another-christmas/

and finally there comes a december where I am pregnant!!! and i will have a beautiful baby in next 7 weeks! it seems unbelievable!and as is norm with me I am freaking out!!! the 4 years that i waited to have a child have given me a lot of time to dwell on infertility and ‘PLAN’ how i want my child to grow up! But now i am not too sure .. i feel i was so focused on getting the child here that i am absolute zero on how he/she shud be bought up! or what am i going to do when i will actually get the baby home!

There are so many questions in my mind and ofcourse as is my nature i want everything to be perfect for me and the baby. But i guess slowly i am realizing that whatever happens i cant plan my life – Or that i have to let go of notions. Though honestly i am surprised at myself i though the infertility and the pregnancy would have helped me get rid of the picture perfect planogram that i call my life. But there i am back guess old habits die hard!

So as this year draws close, instead of wallowing in how unfair my life is or freaking out about how underprepared i am .. This christmas I will pray for  strength to Let it go, strength to deal with life as it comes and strength to bring up a child who can give back to this world!