JLT, Mommyhood after infertility, Uncategorized

We are surviving!!!!

Its almost a year and yeah its been every bit as mad as they promise in all the blogs and adverts. Every passing month you think omg this month was hard how bad ass we are to cross that only to be faced by a new challenge in the next month. Parenting is difficult especially if you choose the earth mother route. The breast feeding, cloth diapering, baby wearing and above no sleep training kinds. Which means my days are as unstructured as they were ever since baby ritz started to no sleep .. Some days are good where we get 2 naps  and early bed time and some days we have no naps and no bed time.

But my baby has grown leaps and bounds in these months, from a mere 2.17 kgs (4.7lbs) we have almost qudrapled our birthweight and weigh about 8.6 kgs now almost 19lbs , we can crawl and pull ourself to stand now. We have also started walking sideways and started to point out things! Anyways more on that later gtg.

Just dropped in to say hi and that we are surving!

 

 

 

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baby Ritz, JLT, Uncategorized

Typical Morning

Me:Good morning Neelu

Neel: aggooooo

Me: are u hungry

Neel: ungaaaa

Me: Ok lets feed u

1 hr later

Me: Are u still hungry

neel: (after a smile) ungaaaa

1 hr later

me: Are u hungry

Neel: *Silence*

Me: Shall we Sleep

Neel: scream fist fight scream

Me: Enough sleep time cue begin rocking/patting

Neel: more screams

Me: sleep na baby

Neel: getting tired, now whimpering

Me: good boy

Neel: Ungaaaa

Me: Okie hungry again? here (offering boob)

Neel: drinking noisily as if hungry from decades

repeat loop 5 times

me: Done?, now can v sleep

Neel: *silence* looking around

me: sleep off neel

Neel: nananananna

Me: okie let me help u begin rocking/patting/singing

Neel: hmmm eyes drowsy

Me: I love u

Neel: aooooooo(almost as if saying I love u too)

 

 

baby Ritz, Mommyhood after infertility, Musings, Uncategorized

The darkside of motherhood

So yes.. this is one of those posts which can make u possibly hate me. I have been debating about writing this post for a long time but since this is the only place where i can write any truth well so be it. I would totally understand if u unfollow me after this or I get trolled but here it goes

Sometimes i hate my baby, sometimes i detest his very presence in mylife. I detest that motherhood has no holidays, no sick leaves, no time outs. No day where u get up in morning peacefully and just go back to bed curling up with a book.. And i hate that. I have run into difficult times with baby ritz, i think we hit sleep regression or its just growing up phase. My baby wont go down for naps/sleep. I feed him, change his diaper and feed him some more ideally he would doze of after this but off late he doesnt. Somedays he runs on god knows what energy but some days the lack of naps make him super cranky and he fusses the whole day.  Yesterday and today were his fussy days where he constantly whines into my ears and essentialy head bangs or hits me with his tiny fists to show his frustrations. There have been times when all i could hear thru the day were wails in my ears much after it has stopped. I cant deal with loud noises, i cant take people screaming the TV runs at a super low volume in my house. The constant wailing is taking its toll,the other day this constant rigamorale of pat – sleep- put in crib- awake- wailing back to feed- calm down- pat – sleep the cycle all over again took 3 hours before baby ritz was out and sleeping. Some days i spent the whole day trying to repeat this because baby ritz keeps getting up after 20 mins – 30 mins of nap. I am unable to carry on, despite having help t home to do the household cleaning and cooking. I spent 4.5 years trying to get here,  countless cycles, countless medications to get here and all i can wonder is did i make the lright choice? am i really cut out to be the nurturing mom i thought i was? The other day when screaming got too much i shouted at baby ritz, some days i patted him little hard.. my 3.5 months old baby? smiley happy baby on rare occasions? I have bot colorful toys playgym to play and have fun but all i get is a cry baby who cries pretty much all the time and fusses the other times… be it colic. purple patch, UTI and now sleep regression.. each month i console myself that i will eventually get the giggles and cuddles on regular basis but..And it kills me as a parent, makes me feel so so inadequate, makes me hate myself and hate the world around me.. Its like i am stuck in a rut and there is no way to get out of it. I am a horrid parent and my biggest fear is my kid will grow up with smae insecurities like i did, will grow up hating his own mom like i did.. i am super lost and super guilty to be feeling this way.. Did i force god’s hand? May be god knew that i will be unable to handle a child and therefore the infertility?

baby Ritz, Mommyhood after infertility, Musings, Uncategorized

Day 54 of Life ..

Today babyritz is celebrating day 54 of his life, that is how the docs in NICU measure my little bean once he was out in terms of days. All his report read day 7 of life these tests were done, he weighed so and so at day 10 of life. Initially when we got baby home we were shit scared and continued to measure him thru days like we crossed day 11 of his life and baby is alive 🙂

Soon as other milestones started the concept of days diminished and now we are measuring baby in weeks and in months but the days measure is still etched in my mind. Almost as a proof of all that we went through on the journey of parent hood. I know with this statement most of the people will laugh and let me know that its not even the beginning of beginning. But these few weeks have been hard and reveling on how deep motherhood goes. And i almost am on the verge if taking back all the harsh words i ever called other mom’s whose children throw a tantrum in super market or have caused me inconvenience in the flights i took.

When ever i met a new mom i always wondered on how happy they looked, how content and how perfect but offlate i have started to wonder was it my infertility blinkers that made me look at a picture perfect ‘grass being greener on other side’. There have been major meltdowns in these weeks, where in nights my baby has cried and i have cried with him because i am unable to comfort him, or understand him. I wonder all the time is motherhood so hard or the fact that i had him after so much of struggle i am over critical on myself. In middle of all this there is literature thrown at ur face saying sleep train ur baby, now a new one pee train ur baby.. and u wonder where is the time? To even think? let alone a routine.. then u wonder what if its too late to set up a routine? what if ur kid actually is that bawling kid in supermarket?

We are on day 54 of life and we are still taking one day at a time, there are things still being pushed saying may be next day, next time.. but i am happy to say that we are slowly getting into a bath and after bath nap routine. Yest was the first night where baby slept peacefully thru getting up only twice for feeds, that too sleeping right off after drinking. Lets hope this continues and is beginning of less sleep nights instead of sleepless nights

Uncategorized

One month down and the battle continues..

My one month old son is exclusively on breast milk. I know that does not sound like a big deal and most moms will look and say like whaaaa? But to me it is especially a big deal since we are struggling every day with breast feeding, every day for the last 31days we have been at it trying to get neel to the ideal weight and to ensure that he is as healthy as he would have been if he was full term.

Neel was born with a birthweight of 2.17 (around 4.5 pounds) kgs and over the course of next few days hw dropped further to 1.97 kgs. When we got neel home from nicu he was a itsy bitsy baby of 2.08kgs. He was still not able to suckle and directly feed of breast. Added to that because he was preterm he needed to be fed every 2 hours and not when he demands it. That meant pumping every alternate hour to begin with and then feed him using a special spoon called jhinuk in bong. Once done begin the cycle all over again all thru day and all thru night. Just when we got him home and divided a routine between me and man ritz .. Baby ritz went into a growth spurt..which meant my boy wanted to suckle but didn’t have strength for it, was irritable and wanted to hang around my breast which is the natural instinct but was hungry all the same.. that meant i had to find time in between to pump and produce enough milk so that my darling is satiated. I spent sleep deprived nights holding neel in one hand and planning when and how to pump. And in those dark moments when internet and google were mybest friends i read countless articles saying one bottle of top feed is enough for babies to sleep thru the night and that i a mom who wants her child to be exclusively breast fed is being ‘unkind’ to him.Reading all  I was about a mm close to throwing in the towel and make a bottle of top feed to give him .. But some how we hung in there, even tho my besties cracked and became sore we hung in there while i pumped the crap out of them.Today as we celebrate a month of neel my baby boy is almost 3kgs ( the goal was to get him to be three by his due date) and has started to directly take breast feeds.. We still have latch issues and it is a long battle to fight i m sure with many more dark moments but yeah we are a month old and have been on breast milk for the first 31 days of our life 🙂

Uncategorized

Adjusting…

My baby is three week old today, he spent last 2 weeks at home.. His first weekwas in nicu. Its been incredibly tough journey we have low birth weight to deal with on top of it we have direct feed issue and a selfish family of mine .. Its a miracle me and man ritz are still sane.

It still feels like a distant dream despite seeing neel right in front of my eyes, despite pumping the ass of both my breasts, despite spending  weeks of sleep less nights in a row. I am still adjusting to sound of my baby boy,to his smell and to my life being finally complete. To make the ritz magic evwn stronger Baby Ritz is named Ritwik 🙂 we call him neel at home..and yes we will hear more about how he decided to turn mommy’s life updown in a later post