Typical Morning

Typical Morning

Me:Good morning Neelu

Neel: aggooooo

Me: are u hungry

Neel: ungaaaa

Me: Ok lets feed u

1 hr later

Me: Are u still hungry

neel: (after a smile) ungaaaa

1 hr later

me: Are u hungry

Neel: *Silence*

Me: Shall we Sleep

Neel: scream fist fight scream

Me: Enough sleep time cue begin rocking/patting

Neel: more screams

Me: sleep na baby

Neel: getting tired, now whimpering

Me: good boy

Neel: Ungaaaa

Me: Okie hungry again? here (offering boob)

Neel: drinking noisily as if hungry from decades

repeat loop 5 times

me: Done?, now can v sleep

Neel: *silence* looking around

me: sleep off neel

Neel: nananananna

Me: okie let me help u begin rocking/patting/singing

Neel: hmmm eyes drowsy

Me: I love u

Neel: aooooooo(almost as if saying I love u too)

 

 

The darkside of motherhood

The darkside of motherhood

So yes.. this is one of those posts which can make u possibly hate me. I have been debating about writing this post for a long time but since this is the only place where i can write any truth well so be it. I would totally understand if u unfollow me after this or I get trolled but here it goes

Sometimes i hate my baby, sometimes i detest his very presence in mylife. I detest that motherhood has no holidays, no sick leaves, no time outs. No day where u get up in morning peacefully and just go back to bed curling up with a book.. And i hate that. I have run into difficult times with baby ritz, i think we hit sleep regression or its just growing up phase. My baby wont go down for naps/sleep. I feed him, change his diaper and feed him some more ideally he would doze of after this but off late he doesnt. Somedays he runs on god knows what energy but some days the lack of naps make him super cranky and he fusses the whole day.  Yesterday and today were his fussy days where he constantly whines into my ears and essentialy head bangs or hits me with his tiny fists to show his frustrations. There have been times when all i could hear thru the day were wails in my ears much after it has stopped. I cant deal with loud noises, i cant take people screaming the TV runs at a super low volume in my house. The constant wailing is taking its toll,the other day this constant rigamorale of pat – sleep- put in crib- awake- wailing back to feed- calm down- pat – sleep the cycle all over again took 3 hours before baby ritz was out and sleeping. Some days i spent the whole day trying to repeat this because baby ritz keeps getting up after 20 mins – 30 mins of nap. I am unable to carry on, despite having help t home to do the household cleaning and cooking. I spent 4.5 years trying to get here,  countless cycles, countless medications to get here and all i can wonder is did i make the lright choice? am i really cut out to be the nurturing mom i thought i was? The other day when screaming got too much i shouted at baby ritz, some days i patted him little hard.. my 3.5 months old baby? smiley happy baby on rare occasions? I have bot colorful toys playgym to play and have fun but all i get is a cry baby who cries pretty much all the time and fusses the other times… be it colic. purple patch, UTI and now sleep regression.. each month i console myself that i will eventually get the giggles and cuddles on regular basis but..And it kills me as a parent, makes me feel so so inadequate, makes me hate myself and hate the world around me.. Its like i am stuck in a rut and there is no way to get out of it. I am a horrid parent and my biggest fear is my kid will grow up with smae insecurities like i did, will grow up hating his own mom like i did.. i am super lost and super guilty to be feeling this way.. Did i force god’s hand? May be god knew that i will be unable to handle a child and therefore the infertility?

My baby is sick :(

My baby is sick :(

We are battling with our first sickness and i wish it was a simple one like a common cold or a slight fever. But no my poor baby is battling with a a really aggressive case of UTI. On the saturday before the last 2 baby ritz was slightly cranky and clingy. I had dragged him to the doc (again ) on friday before and he had been termed a well growing healthy baby. So naturally when i told man ritz on the mentioned saturday that baby ritz was not doing well he blasted me and my over motherly paranoia.. but i knew something was not right when we spent the entire saturday lethargic and crying thru feeds. On checking his temperature i realised he had a temp of 99.5. Out came the babygesic drops and sponge baths when by night or early morning his temp didnt drop we dragged him to the ER. There the doc termed it as dehyration fever since he hadnt been feeding well, asked for some blood work and sent us home stating show the blood work to the local clinic.

 

We went to the local clinic in morning, where the attending doc said baby is not feeding well due to blocked nose ( really???) so we got his nose aspirated and came backhome thinking now that he is feeding well things might improve. We went back at 9 in the night because the fever had started to rise and got his blood work done! Man ritz was travelling the same night so i wanted to be sure that there was nothing to worry. Alas his blood work came up and down the platellet count was low WBC high andthe crp value skyrocketed to 53!

We rushed him to the doc on monday morning, who was about to send me back home saying its nothing when he checked the crp value. He immediately admitted baby ritz in hospital and ran few more tests. A canula was put in my tiny baby’s hand and we started antibiotic infusion 3 times a day 2 medicines. When the culture report came in we figured my baby has urinary tract infection and a severe case as that. So we were instructed to continue antibiotic infusion for 7 days in total. Every day along withdad i took my tiny baby to hospitals he learnt to recognize and smile durig this time. Everydayhe would look at the nurses recognize them and smile and then promptly latch himself to my boobs while i wud hold him and cry my eyes out. This made me forget any modesty i had and ny shyness while nursing. I nursed my baby every where  in hopsital wards, in the car in parking lots every where.

 

On day 4 we wanted to get the canula changed and they couldnt find a vein again in my poor baby’s hands so they promptly attached a canula to his right leg.We came homeafter a mid night infusion and in the morning i got up to see baby ritz had kicked the cannula away! it is a miracle that he didnt bleed thru the night! As a result of which we coud not attach another canula to his arm and shifted his course to oral antibiotics which were continued for extended 7 days. Thankfully on retesting we found the infection gone, but things are not very ok with his bladder. So we had to do 2-3 more tests according to which its a wait and watch game on for 3 months. Thankfully his kidneys are doing fine!!!

My 3 month baby spent most of the last 2 weeks in hospital 😦 even on the day of his 3rd month bday :(. I hope we can move past this instance and the damage is not much:( i pray things only look up from now and we never have to go through this again. Please pray for us now

We are 2 months already!

We are 2 months already!

And mommy is back to being her wits end!. On 18th feb my little jammy completed 2 months.. Omg time really flies. The last few weeks unfortunately has not been very great. LO has hit purple patch of crying or what i m hoping is purple patch except it’s more like a purple zone! He had been extremely fussy at the boob, his feed tine include anywhere between 5 mins to 1 hr..his gas issues have been crazy and it becomes very difficult for my boobies when he is passing gas with one in his mouth. Our latch training has also gone for a toss.. Between training and getting him to stay focused and drink enough or stop screaming i prefer the later! I have read pretty much every article and have rushed to ER with baby ritz multiple times, consulted multiple lactation consultants but apparently there is no other solution than to just wait and watch…

 

Growth wise lo is doing fine, we weigh almost 4.6 kgs now which is roughly 10 pounds so in 2 months we have almost doubled our bw and finally entered the lowest percentile in terms of weight of a normal child.

Oh and we have started to coo.. And recognise movements.. While bathing ( which we hate)we have also learn to make fish faces at mamma saying please mumma no!

It’s still sinking in that i made this little guy that he is my own flesh and blood.. I love when his tiny hands hold on to me while feeding almost as if staying u r mine!

My other son tho is not very happy.. While thankfully he has not shown any destructive behaviour or haven’t peed on baby ritz’s stuff.. He keeps an arms distance. While earlier it was difficult to catch him even for a hug.. Now he comes and keeps a paw at my leg saying love me! The other day while baby was sleeping i planned to catch a nap.. Pista came and just plonked on my gown.. Wouldn’t get up even when i moved to attend to neel kept trying to hold me back with a paw.. There is a slight tear in my gown! Tho i think over last few weeks he has slowly started to accept BR. Tho he hates it and leaves the room when BR cries!