Mommyhood after infertility, Musings

The second one???

Baby Ritz is 6 months! Thankfully his sleep has settled down a little and he has been sleeping In the night with two or less feed breaks.. though baby Ritz has cold and is being nebulized 4 times a day and v have been cosleeping so I really dunno if that has effected his sleep pattern. But I hope sincerely these two are not related and that v can continue to look at peaceful nights for sometime atleast!

So the other day v looked at the tiny human I made and suddenly realised i am not done I do want one more of this .. cute laughing Gigglybundle of energy!!!!.😈 So v always knew v want another one.. but with the mind numbing first few six months somewhere the idea got lost..

But having another one will mean again stepping into heart wrenching world of infertility and loss. The idea that I go thru another retrieval and might lose the baby in few weeks/months is just devastating.

Suddenly I came up with the idea of adoption. Y don’t v adopt the second one? V get a baby girl,no ugly pregnancy hormones if v get her soon enough I can feed her do tandem nursing.. sounds like a win ??? But she will not have my eyes or man Ritz’s quirks .. win win still.. what do u guys think?

 

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baby Ritz, milestones, Mommyhood after infertility

5 months :)

We are 5 months!!!!! yeah we spent a good 152 days on this earth :)!!!! I have been around, just post mom dad leaving all hell has broken loose!! I have no idea where allthe time goes!!!! 😀

Bubs is a hand full, he likes to talk play and is extremely fond of the idea is that mommy is a milk vending machine, a transporter and a poop cleaner rolled into one! 😀 Also it is his firm belief that napping is for babies with weak heart! So even though our eyes get droopy and watery with sleep we will not sleep at all! it is very very tiring for mumma!!! because she has to be up and entertaining from 7 in morning till 8 in night along with other chores!!!

in other milestones we rolled over!! both ways !!! ON 14th may BR was trying to tilt his head to look at his dad gardening and just ended up taking momentum and turning all the way on his tummy. Though off late i m sure it was fluke because he hasn’t done it ever again! he can turn to his both sides but does not go the complete way!!!Though he has started to enjoy his tummy time a lot more. And sometimes when he gets very tired, he just goes back on his back on his own!!!    We have started mouthing too, so anything and everything we can get our hands on gets in to our mouth and yeah along with transporter and poop cleaner mom is a chew toy too!! i have been chewed on multiple times .. this tiny ball of human will one day grow teeth!! it seems unbelievable!

BR smiles and giggles a lot, it sometimes seems like a third party thing still. Like its all happening in a dream. This happy cute bundle of joy cant be real!! i love it when he sleeps on me, i love the smell and the tiny hands hugging me .. love the way the tiny hands hang on to my neck. We are still following gentle parenting and are into feeding on demand, babywearing and well in gen letting baby ritz be the boss. And yes we moved to cloth diapers!!!!!! That was a big deal for me, thankfully BR is not a pooper! we get damaged once in few days i am lucky that way 😀 We started with one AIO, one pocket, one cover and one fitted. I think i have found my peace with pockets and AIOs, in last month my stash moved form 4 diapers and 6 inserts to 21 diapers and god only knows how many inserts!! We are big on flats too. Though we are yet to move away from disposables in night, I did get couple of charcoal bamboo inserts and mostly will try and see if i can move aay from disposable soon. I bot a disposable pack with wetness indicator just to see how much does baby ritz pee in the night so that i can figure of we can go all the way w/o changing diaper in the night. We are going through sleep regression and i want to reduce baby ritz’s waking up as much as possible

I have been really really bust off late, i dont now what am i doing wrong but i seem to be having a melt down every other day. This when the hard parts like teething, sickness, separation anxiety has not started yet. We have just hit sleep regression and the regression is going on and on and on, baby ritz has been getting up every hour in nights for feeds.. So its like feed burp put down go back to bed, drift to sleep and then the moment u hit the sweet sleep spot smack up again :(. PLus my periods are back, i really really hoped that my dearest aunt flo will not visit me soon, but not only did she visit she has been a real bitch offff late .. i bleed with painful cramps every 15 days ..MY OB gyn has taken the wait and watch approach as hormonal treatments can cause issues with BM supply. I have been surviving on dolo/ combiflam for teh tough days. Lets hope this is the last of painful cycle and it settles down by June as my gyane expects it to!! Otherwise i am not sure how will i manage because i definitely want to feed BR till he self weans.. lets see how it goes ..

Weeeowee that was a long one! Leaving u with my first fluff photo!IMG_20160516_171211.jpg

 

Cat crazies, Musings

My elder is sick :(

Pista has a fever :((. Yesterday after his morning walk he was looking a little tired, he didnt even eat the semi solids man ritz kept for him. I thought may be its the heat, yesterday was a tough day with baby ritz refusing to nap at all so i was just consumed in that the whole day. I am a tad guilty of ignoring pista, i honestly thought he is in one of those contemplating moods that he sometimes gets into. In evening when man ritz came he didnt even budge and come out of his room. I was having a tough day and in tears because i was tired and baby ritz was very very cranky so MR took baby ritz away to gimme a break.usually this is cue for Pista to meow the house down because he thinks that when MR is free pista has sole propriety on him, but i couldnt hear a sound!!!

When i went to check whats the matter i realized he felt warm, i hugged him cuddled him and got him tothe living rooom, still No reaction 😦 Then i opened a new cardboard box of amazon which is guaranteed to get his ATTENTION but guess what my baby ignored it!!!

Today morning MR dragged him to the vet and my poor baby has fever 104.5 :(. Doc is suspecting infection, yesterday one of the strays while playing with him kinda bit him, so he has been given an injection, hope he recovers quickly. I am feeling so guilty, new found human motherhood has been so exhausting that i almost dont give any TLC to my elsder one. I hope he feels well and i swear from now on mommy will find some exclusive pista time.

baby Ritz, JLT, Uncategorized

Typical Morning

Me:Good morning Neelu

Neel: aggooooo

Me: are u hungry

Neel: ungaaaa

Me: Ok lets feed u

1 hr later

Me: Are u still hungry

neel: (after a smile) ungaaaa

1 hr later

me: Are u hungry

Neel: *Silence*

Me: Shall we Sleep

Neel: scream fist fight scream

Me: Enough sleep time cue begin rocking/patting

Neel: more screams

Me: sleep na baby

Neel: getting tired, now whimpering

Me: good boy

Neel: Ungaaaa

Me: Okie hungry again? here (offering boob)

Neel: drinking noisily as if hungry from decades

repeat loop 5 times

me: Done?, now can v sleep

Neel: *silence* looking around

me: sleep off neel

Neel: nananananna

Me: okie let me help u begin rocking/patting/singing

Neel: hmmm eyes drowsy

Me: I love u

Neel: aooooooo(almost as if saying I love u too)

 

 

baby Ritz, Mommyhood after infertility, Musings, Uncategorized

The darkside of motherhood

So yes.. this is one of those posts which can make u possibly hate me. I have been debating about writing this post for a long time but since this is the only place where i can write any truth well so be it. I would totally understand if u unfollow me after this or I get trolled but here it goes

Sometimes i hate my baby, sometimes i detest his very presence in mylife. I detest that motherhood has no holidays, no sick leaves, no time outs. No day where u get up in morning peacefully and just go back to bed curling up with a book.. And i hate that. I have run into difficult times with baby ritz, i think we hit sleep regression or its just growing up phase. My baby wont go down for naps/sleep. I feed him, change his diaper and feed him some more ideally he would doze of after this but off late he doesnt. Somedays he runs on god knows what energy but some days the lack of naps make him super cranky and he fusses the whole day.  Yesterday and today were his fussy days where he constantly whines into my ears and essentialy head bangs or hits me with his tiny fists to show his frustrations. There have been times when all i could hear thru the day were wails in my ears much after it has stopped. I cant deal with loud noises, i cant take people screaming the TV runs at a super low volume in my house. The constant wailing is taking its toll,the other day this constant rigamorale of pat – sleep- put in crib- awake- wailing back to feed- calm down- pat – sleep the cycle all over again took 3 hours before baby ritz was out and sleeping. Some days i spent the whole day trying to repeat this because baby ritz keeps getting up after 20 mins – 30 mins of nap. I am unable to carry on, despite having help t home to do the household cleaning and cooking. I spent 4.5 years trying to get here,  countless cycles, countless medications to get here and all i can wonder is did i make the lright choice? am i really cut out to be the nurturing mom i thought i was? The other day when screaming got too much i shouted at baby ritz, some days i patted him little hard.. my 3.5 months old baby? smiley happy baby on rare occasions? I have bot colorful toys playgym to play and have fun but all i get is a cry baby who cries pretty much all the time and fusses the other times… be it colic. purple patch, UTI and now sleep regression.. each month i console myself that i will eventually get the giggles and cuddles on regular basis but..And it kills me as a parent, makes me feel so so inadequate, makes me hate myself and hate the world around me.. Its like i am stuck in a rut and there is no way to get out of it. I am a horrid parent and my biggest fear is my kid will grow up with smae insecurities like i did, will grow up hating his own mom like i did.. i am super lost and super guilty to be feeling this way.. Did i force god’s hand? May be god knew that i will be unable to handle a child and therefore the infertility?