So yes i know most probably i have lost allmy regular followers… and this blog is not going in to any direction. Motherhood is hard and especially its been very life consuming for me, I guess there is a lot of difference between imagining parent hood and actually being caught in middle of one. To add to the mix handling a super active toddler alone while shifting countries is well any one’s guess.
So as i try and get my blog to some life, I am going to take up something called as a blogger #AtoZchallange. What this challabge entails is that i regularly blog for 26 days together and each day write about some thing that each letter stands for in context of blog for eg. I for infertility or T for toddler tornado and stuff. I am very sure i cannot write every day for 26 days but here is to completing this challenge in 3 months which means i write once every 3 to 4 days. Doable? huh? Lets see .. atleast it will give me something to write about.
We are battling with our first sickness and i wish it was a simple one like a common cold or a slight fever. But no my poor baby is battling with a a really aggressive case of UTI. On the saturday before the last 2 baby ritz was slightly cranky and clingy. I had dragged him to the doc (again ) on friday before and he had been termed a well growing healthy baby. So naturally when i told man ritz on the mentioned saturday that baby ritz was not doing well he blasted me and my over motherly paranoia.. but i knew something was not right when we spent the entire saturday lethargic and crying thru feeds. On checking his temperature i realised he had a temp of 99.5. Out came the babygesic drops and sponge baths when by night or early morning his temp didnt drop we dragged him to the ER. There the doc termed it as dehyration fever since he hadnt been feeding well, asked for some blood work and sent us home stating show the blood work to the local clinic.
We went to the local clinic in morning, where the attending doc said baby is not feeding well due to blocked nose ( really???) so we got his nose aspirated and came backhome thinking now that he is feeding well things might improve. We went back at 9 in the night because the fever had started to rise and got his blood work done! Man ritz was travelling the same night so i wanted to be sure that there was nothing to worry. Alas his blood work came up and down the platellet count was low WBC high andthe crp value skyrocketed to 53!
We rushed him to the doc on monday morning, who was about to send me back home saying its nothing when he checked the crp value. He immediately admitted baby ritz in hospital and ran few more tests. A canula was put in my tiny baby’s hand and we started antibiotic infusion 3 times a day 2 medicines. When the culture report came in we figured my baby has urinary tract infection and a severe case as that. So we were instructed to continue antibiotic infusion for 7 days in total. Every day along withdad i took my tiny baby to hospitals he learnt to recognize and smile durig this time. Everydayhe would look at the nurses recognize them and smile and then promptly latch himself to my boobs while i wud hold him and cry my eyes out. This made me forget any modesty i had and ny shyness while nursing. I nursed my baby every where in hopsital wards, in the car in parking lots every where.
On day 4 we wanted to get the canula changed and they couldnt find a vein again in my poor baby’s hands so they promptly attached a canula to his right leg.We came homeafter a mid night infusion and in the morning i got up to see baby ritz had kicked the cannula away! it is a miracle that he didnt bleed thru the night! As a result of which we coud not attach another canula to his arm and shifted his course to oral antibiotics which were continued for extended 7 days. Thankfully on retesting we found the infection gone, but things are not very ok with his bladder. So we had to do 2-3 more tests according to which its a wait and watch game on for 3 months. Thankfully his kidneys are doing fine!!!
My 3 month baby spent most of the last 2 weeks in hospital 😦 even on the day of his 3rd month bday :(. I hope we can move past this instance and the damage is not much:( i pray things only look up from now and we never have to go through this again. Please pray for us now
Today babyritz is celebrating day 54 of his life, that is how the docs in NICU measure my little bean once he was out in terms of days. All his report read day 7 of life these tests were done, he weighed so and so at day 10 of life. Initially when we got baby home we were shit scared and continued to measure him thru days like we crossed day 11 of his life and baby is alive 🙂
Soon as other milestones started the concept of days diminished and now we are measuring baby in weeks and in months but the days measure is still etched in my mind. Almost as a proof of all that we went through on the journey of parent hood. I know with this statement most of the people will laugh and let me know that its not even the beginning of beginning. But these few weeks have been hard and reveling on how deep motherhood goes. And i almost am on the verge if taking back all the harsh words i ever called other mom’s whose children throw a tantrum in super market or have caused me inconvenience in the flights i took.
When ever i met a new mom i always wondered on how happy they looked, how content and how perfect but offlate i have started to wonder was it my infertility blinkers that made me look at a picture perfect ‘grass being greener on other side’. There have been major meltdowns in these weeks, where in nights my baby has cried and i have cried with him because i am unable to comfort him, or understand him. I wonder all the time is motherhood so hard or the fact that i had him after so much of struggle i am over critical on myself. In middle of all this there is literature thrown at ur face saying sleep train ur baby, now a new one pee train ur baby.. and u wonder where is the time? To even think? let alone a routine.. then u wonder what if its too late to set up a routine? what if ur kid actually is that bawling kid in supermarket?
We are on day 54 of life and we are still taking one day at a time, there are things still being pushed saying may be next day, next time.. but i am happy to say that we are slowly getting into a bath and after bath nap routine. Yest was the first night where baby slept peacefully thru getting up only twice for feeds, that too sleeping right off after drinking. Lets hope this continues and is beginning of less sleep nights instead of sleepless nights
Yup its December and in another month and half my life will change forever. Its funny how every december for last 4 years i have been wondering and dreading spending another christmas child less and depressed
and finally there comes a december where I am pregnant!!! and i will have a beautiful baby in next 7 weeks! it seems unbelievable!and as is norm with me I am freaking out!!! the 4 years that i waited to have a child have given me a lot of time to dwell on infertility and ‘PLAN’ how i want my child to grow up! But now i am not too sure .. i feel i was so focused on getting the child here that i am absolute zero on how he/she shud be bought up! or what am i going to do when i will actually get the baby home!
There are so many questions in my mind and ofcourse as is my nature i want everything to be perfect for me and the baby. But i guess slowly i am realizing that whatever happens i cant plan my life – Or that i have to let go of notions. Though honestly i am surprised at myself i though the infertility and the pregnancy would have helped me get rid of the picture perfect planogram that i call my life. But there i am back guess old habits die hard!
So as this year draws close, instead of wallowing in how unfair my life is or freaking out about how underprepared i am .. This christmas I will pray for strength to Let it go, strength to deal with life as it comes and strength to bring up a child who can give back to this world!